“If our friendship is based on alcohol, it’s only because you make me get us both drunk before you’ll share secrets!” -Wittley Ziehr
“If she can’t stand she needs to leave.” ~Bartender to Krishma Patel
If you’ve stumbled upon this blog not knowing what you’re getting yourself into or describe yourself as someone who holds strong opinions without seeing the other side of hot topics… continue reading because we might change your mind with this super great idea that will put all other compromises to shame.
“The abortion problem” may not be what you think it is, especially if you’re a pro-life robot who thinks unborn babies have more rights than the women who carry and birth them (I can say things like this because I used to be one of you). The abortion problem being solved today is how pro-life and pro-choice believers can come together with a compromise and maybe even hug if we see fit.
Let me spell out the ideal world for you. Every woman is gifted with two abortion vouchers to use throughout her life. Better yet, every woman is not just gifted, but entitled to these vouchers through our unalienable rights which should soon be added to the Declaration of Independence right after we correct the part where only men are created equal *side eye*
Women can either choose to use them or choose to not -much like the current process where any woman can choose to get an abortion or not. But you only get two. Its like grade school when you were only given a certain amount of restroom passes for the semester and had to choose to use them wisely or risk no permission being granted to leave the room and peeing your pants in front of your peers.
Pro-life supporters -nothing really changes for you. You still have the same options as before and can choose to use them or not, but you also don’t get a say in whether other women use them or not. Compromise: The number one woman can have is regulated. Congrats.
Pro-choice supporters- nothing really changes for you. You still have the same options as before and can choose to use them or not, but you also don’t get a say in whether other women use them or not and you only get two. Compromise: You can’t make the choice to abort every single time (not that anyone would choose to do that anyway). Once your two vouchers are gone, its over.
No one gets everything they want and but everyone gets something. I didn’t take any business classes in college, but this sounds like a negotiation to me.
If you weren’t convinced by our pro-overall propaganda, oh boy do I have the pants for you..
I recently convinced myself that I was going to follow the path of Cheryl Strayed and complete a 6 month thru-hike of the PCT. My brain knows this is probably never going to happen, but my heart is so on-board. I binged watched YouTube hiking documentaries and pro-tip videos. I mapped out my route and can tell you by heart all the stops I plan to make on my way from Canada to Mexico. I even went to my local outdoors shop to look at gear (Some people tell me I have an obsessive personality, but whatever).
It was on this fateful shopping trip that I (drunkenly, because of the margaritas before hand) discovered on of the greatest inventions man-kind has to offer. ZIP-OFF PANTS. Do you ever go outside in the middle of the day, realize its too hot and your legs are basically suffocating, and then go back inside to spend the rest of the day laying in bed all because YOU WERE WEARING PANTS? I can’t tell you the number of days that I wasted because my legs were too hot to move. It’s a pretty high number, although one of those days was because I had an allergic reaction to mosquitoes, but the rest were definitely due to the clothing options of my lower half. Zip-Off Pants solve that problem. They keep your legs nice and warm during the chilly morning times, easy and breezy during the mind-numbingly hot heat of mid-day, and at night they double as part of a dressy casual ensemble because more likely than not you bought khaki.
I’m not going to tell you that zip-off pants belong in the closet of those fashion forward thinkers (because we all know that they do), but I am going to tell you that if you have ever once in your life thought about using a coupon to buy something, zip-off pants are the only pants you should own. They are a built in manufacturers coupon. You get 3 separate bottom pieces for one low low price, and if you should in the right place you can find waterproof pants which adds rain gear to your ensemble. If you could buy one pair of pants that works for all your clothing needs, why wouldn’t you? Help me start a fashion movement to save all our lives: buy zip-off pants.
“I’ll sleep with the freshmen if I have to.” ~ Amanda Martindale
“Wine drunk is good drunk.” ~Krishma Patel
“I’m not a manipulative person, but I usually get what I want…” ~Wittley Ziehr
**This is an old post that I wrote, but then immediately forgot to publish. Oops. Here it is now, only 3 months late.**
Last night, I was partaking in my bi-monthly jog around the neighborhood to try and convince myself I could still be a runner if I really wanted to, and I stumbled upon a startling amount of…Christmas Inflatables. They were out and about in all shapes and sizes placed in almost every other yard I passed.
I have always been a little confused as to why someone would want to spend a sizable sum of money on a blow up Christmas critter. My family once purchased a large inflatable Frosty the Snowman. This turned out to be a poor investment as the West Texas dirt quickly turned poor frosty into what looked like a stack of dirty diapers with a carrot sticking out. I am still trying to figure out why anyone would want to purchase not just one, but in most cases, multiple of these items, but I do have a few ideas as to what this craze could be about.
I think this could possibly be a “I have to be better than my neighbor” competition, but the competition is not based around who can spend the most money on these inflatable horror shows. This competition is about trying to trick robbers into robbing your neighbors instead. Think about it, if I see a house with not one but two inflatable Christmas minions in front of it I know that the people inside obviously have little to no taste, and as a robber, I’m not gonna waste my time with that house. Where as, if I stumble on a house with the Millennium Falcon/R2D2/C3PO Christmas bundle proudly displayed in their yard, I know that they are probably also collectors, and I can get rich so quick in there. Those poor saps, if only they knew what those inflatables really meant they could have saved themselves. If you have too many inflatables (more than 1), or if your inflatables have moving parts, you obviously have too much money on your hands and I, the robber, am coming in.
Maybe people purchase inflatables as a way of avoiding having to tell their neighbors Merry Christmas. They just pile on the holiday decorations, so that when they see Sue, the neighbor, they just say, “Hey Sue, look how happy I am about Christmas,” and then they never have to talk to Sue again. Maybe there is a secret society based around Christmas inflatables. Like the Christmas Illuminati. Where the members only meet 1 month a year, and they plot on how to take down parents and children alike who spoil Santa Claus for someone else. It’s a nasty business but someone has to do it.
So, should you purchase one of these colorful, pricey air bubbles for your front yard? Probably not, but if you do you might save yourself from the pain of having to replace your Star Trek collectibles. They might also prevent you from having to actually have a Merry Christmas if you don’t want to, but I can’t say for sure. What do you have to lose to prevent these things? Only your dignity.
P.S. I’m not a robber.