If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably day dreamed about getting your own little ball of fluff and drool since you were a small child. I’ve thought about it almost obsessively since I left home for college. I had a breed and a name picked out far in advance of me having the funds to even think about getting one. It finally happened though. I finally have my own pup, and I’m pretty happy, but there are plenty of days where I wish I still didn’t.
Getting a dog is a lot of what I imagine it’s like to have a perpetual two year old living with you. Most people are excited to see you coming because two year olds/dogs are cute and fun, but then you have to take it home with you and it just never leaves. They are always there. Even when you need to use the bathroom, you have to leave the door open because you need to be able to yell at them when you hear them breaking something. I can’t take a shower without my dog trying to bite me through the shower curtain. Silence is rare, and never a good sign. Even in the dead of night you will wake up to your dog licking itself, which is grossest sound, but at least if it’s doing that it isn’t tearing a hole in something else.
Owning a dog isn’t all cons. You will have a permanent reason to leave a party whenever you want (even if you don’t want to). You will always have someone to help you finish your leftovers (even when you were planning on eating them, you just sat them on the counter for one second). You will sometimes be forced to exercise, and you will sometimes have to force your furry friend to exercise. You will get to learn a lot about the digestive system of a dog and what will pass through it and what will come up (my dog once puked up 3 whole toys in one day. Not sure where they came from, but I know where they went). You will have a cute cuddle buddy (but one who does not appreciate or want your love).
If you felt like keeping your Tamagotchi alive was even the slightest bit of a challenge, probably don’t get a dog. They are a pretty big drain on your lifestyle. One night you will be living it up on the town, and then the next morning you will be cleaning some other living beings diarrhea out of your carpet at 6:30 in the morning. Dogs are great. They are fun, and cute, and provide a limitless supply of love (even if they show it with their teeth), but trust me when I tell you, you should not get a dog. At the very least, don’t get a dog until you have someone else in your life that you can guilt into cleaning up the poop smashed into your carpet.
I have been doing a lot of big kid things recently. I graduated from college, got a full time job and a dog, I even moved into my own apartment and set up the utilities all by myself. Call me naive but I for sure thought I would at least get some kind of certificate for these brave acts, or maybe the government would deposit a “congratulations you’re an adult!” lump sum into my bank account that they had been withholding from my paychecks until I got a real job. Spoiler alert if you haven’t reached this phase of your life yet BECAUSE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN. (Although DT you should look into that bank account thing)
If you’ve been spending all your time waiting at the mail box for the official letter that tells you that play time is over and you’re an adult now, don’t hold your breath. You don’t get a letter either. The universe sends other subtle ways of knowing. Let me clue you in to a few of them. Did you wake up one morning and have an earth shattering realization that you couldn’t have beer and French fries for every meal? Welcome to Adulthood. Maybe you just clicked “enroll” on your own health insurance plan? Congratulations You Made It. Did you just have a conversation with your doctor where you never had to say, “hang on let me call my mom and ask.”? Yep. You’re a grown up.
All of these things happened to me, but they weren’t what really clued me in (although I probably should have seen it coming with all of those things happening.) You know what did? I found a hair on my chin that was both longer and darker than any of my chin hairs have permission to be. I was instantly reminded of all the times my grandmother ask me to pluck her chin hairs because she couldn’t see them. Oh young me! If only you had really prepared yourself then, this wouldn’t be such a rude awakening. Just so you know, I plucked the hair, but what an abrupt arrival at the adulthood station. The hair will grow back and I will continue to pull it out until one day I forget, or it becomes surrounded by so many of it’s brethren that one hair is no longer that big of a deal.
I think chin hairs are like the secret sign that you can’t escape. They are like the prison tats of the outside world. Once you have one, everyone knows. You can’t use the excuse of “Oh, I’m just a kid, I didn’t know rent was due EVERY month. Please forgive me, I’m new at this.” CHIN HAIRS DON’T LET YOU LIVE THAT LIE. Pay attention to the universe’s signs, and get laser hair removal before it’s too late.
“Don’t act like you’ve never eaten my crust before” -Amanda Martindale
“Why does everybody have a bigger penis than me?” ~Charles Durr
“I’m slow and I’m smart and I’m still useful” -Wittley Ziehr
I’m sure there are many different paths to the end of life as we know it. Maybe an asteroid hits and pushes us too close to the sun. Maybe someone will finally recreate Jurassic Park, and the dinosaurs will eat us all. Maybe Trump will finally fulfill all of CNN’s nightmares. There is no way to tell what might actually take us down. It could be anything. It could come from anywhere, but I have one pretty concrete theory of my own, and it all starts with one telltale sign.
CHICK-FIL-A WILL RUN OUT OF CHICK-FIL-A SAUCE.
Hear me out. I’ve done a fair amount of research (0 research), and I think that this event will start an unstoppable chain reaction that can destroy the world.
First, Chick-fil-A will run out of their delicious, sweet and savory sauce. I will be forced to take my business elsewhere, as I’m sure others will as well. Chick-fil-A will rapidly lose popularity. Chicken farmers will have millions of of chickens that don’t get bought/eaten (vegans will rejoice). Those chickens will just get to grow old and die
Then, burger joints will become all the rage again. Chicken farmers will turn to beef. The cows will drink too much water and eat too much grass. They will probably be extra gassy cows. This extra gas will help overwhelm the already overwhelming amount of green house gas emissions. Global warming will then be worse than ever before causing global extreme weather events. We will be slowly killed by cow farts.
I don’t know if we can stop this chain of events. I know we can’t stop global warming, but I can tell you the small part I’m playing that will most certainly help. I’m stocking up on Chick-fil-A sauce now before its too late. Some people might want to call it stealing when you take more sauce than you actually need, but Chick-fil-A is one of those good Christian restaurants that wants to believe the best in people. They will never suspect a thing. So, help me save the world. Eat more Chick(-fil-A)en.
“I think all guys are gay. They’ve liked 100% of the dicks they’ve had.” ~ Josh
“How many have you had?” ~ Weston Woerner
“Just mine.” ~ Josh Sandoval
“If our friendship is based on alcohol, it’s only because you make me get us both drunk before you’ll share secrets!” -Wittley Ziehr
“If she can’t stand she needs to leave.” ~Bartender to Krishma Patel
If you’ve stumbled upon this blog not knowing what you’re getting yourself into or describe yourself as someone who holds strong opinions without seeing the other side of hot topics… continue reading because we might change your mind with this super great idea that will put all other compromises to shame.
“The abortion problem” may not be what you think it is, especially if you’re a pro-life robot who thinks unborn babies have more rights than the women who carry and birth them (I can say things like this because I used to be one of you). The abortion problem being solved today is how pro-life and pro-choice believers can come together with a compromise and maybe even hug if we see fit.
Let me spell out the ideal world for you. Every woman is gifted with two abortion vouchers to use throughout her life. Better yet, every woman is not just gifted, but entitled to these vouchers through our unalienable rights which should soon be added to the Declaration of Independence right after we correct the part where only men are created equal *side eye*
Women can either choose to use them or choose to not -much like the current process where any woman can choose to get an abortion or not. But you only get two. Its like grade school when you were only given a certain amount of restroom passes for the semester and had to choose to use them wisely or risk no permission being granted to leave the room and peeing your pants in front of your peers.
Pro-life supporters -nothing really changes for you. You still have the same options as before and can choose to use them or not, but you also don’t get a say in whether other women use them or not. Compromise: The number one woman can have is regulated. Congrats.
Pro-choice supporters- nothing really changes for you. You still have the same options as before and can choose to use them or not, but you also don’t get a say in whether other women use them or not and you only get two. Compromise: You can’t make the choice to abort every single time (not that anyone would choose to do that anyway). Once your two vouchers are gone, its over.
No one gets everything they want and but everyone gets something. I didn’t take any business classes in college, but this sounds like a negotiation to me.