“I’m not a manipulative person, but I usually get what I want…” ~Wittley Ziehr
**This is an old post that I wrote, but then immediately forgot to publish. Oops. Here it is now, only 3 months late.**
Last night, I was partaking in my bi-monthly jog around the neighborhood to try and convince myself I could still be a runner if I really wanted to, and I stumbled upon a startling amount of…Christmas Inflatables. They were out and about in all shapes and sizes placed in almost every other yard I passed.
I have always been a little confused as to why someone would want to spend a sizable sum of money on a blow up Christmas critter. My family once purchased a large inflatable Frosty the Snowman. This turned out to be a poor investment as the West Texas dirt quickly turned poor frosty into what looked like a stack of dirty diapers with a carrot sticking out. I am still trying to figure out why anyone would want to purchase not just one, but in most cases, multiple of these items, but I do have a few ideas as to what this craze could be about.
I think this could possibly be a “I have to be better than my neighbor” competition, but the competition is not based around who can spend the most money on these inflatable horror shows. This competition is about trying to trick robbers into robbing your neighbors instead. Think about it, if I see a house with not one but two inflatable Christmas minions in front of it I know that the people inside obviously have little to no taste, and as a robber, I’m not gonna waste my time with that house. Where as, if I stumble on a house with the Millennium Falcon/R2D2/C3PO Christmas bundle proudly displayed in their yard, I know that they are probably also collectors, and I can get rich so quick in there. Those poor saps, if only they knew what those inflatables really meant they could have saved themselves. If you have too many inflatables (more than 1), or if your inflatables have moving parts, you obviously have too much money on your hands and I, the robber, am coming in.
Maybe people purchase inflatables as a way of avoiding having to tell their neighbors Merry Christmas. They just pile on the holiday decorations, so that when they see Sue, the neighbor, they just say, “Hey Sue, look how happy I am about Christmas,” and then they never have to talk to Sue again. Maybe there is a secret society based around Christmas inflatables. Like the Christmas Illuminati. Where the members only meet 1 month a year, and they plot on how to take down parents and children alike who spoil Santa Claus for someone else. It’s a nasty business but someone has to do it.
So, should you purchase one of these colorful, pricey air bubbles for your front yard? Probably not, but if you do you might save yourself from the pain of having to replace your Star Trek collectibles. They might also prevent you from having to actually have a Merry Christmas if you don’t want to, but I can’t say for sure. What do you have to lose to prevent these things? Only your dignity.
P.S. I’m not a robber.
“Rule for the weekend: no shooting guns” ~Parker Todd
“What about finger guns?”~ Jason Berry
The semester has officially started, syllabus week is a distant fuzzy memory, and career fairs are in full swing. As someone who is now all but forced to attend these events, I can personally attest to how horrible they are. I’ve always heard the saying surrounding job interviews that, “you only have to sell yourself.” Well, the product I have for sale is an Aerospace Engineering student who still isn’t quite sure what makes planes fly. I haven’t had many nibbles from the career fair pond, but I still have to go; dressed to the nines (or as close to nines as I can get when my normal attire is jeans and a t-shirt) and slathered in makeup that’s usually melted off by the time I’ve sweated my way over to fair itself.
I’ve always been a little confused why people who are looking to hire me would want to see me at my absolute best. I put on real clothes and makeup maybe once a year. I would think they would be a little more interested in what I’m like the other 364 days a year. That way they’re not suprised when I roll into work 8 minutes late with absolutely no effort spent on my appearance. I also have a pretty neat tshirt collection that I would like to show off.
I, like most engineers, am not so great at the concept of “talking to people.” So most of my time at the career fair is spent walking around in a real big circle, building up the courage to go in for the kill, and by “kill” I mean that five second window of time where I simultaneously crush one of their hands, shove my resume into the other and mutter my name. On this note, WHY DO RECRUITERS HAVE SUCH WEEK HANDSHAKES?? Are they trying to save themselves for the right person? If handshakes are any indication of what someone’s hug is like, I hope I never get hugged by a recruiter. It would be like having my torso lightly slapped with spaghetti.
Career fairs suck.
On a completely unrelated note, I’m still looking for a job.
“F***ing HEB brand Parker?? Where is that Sara Lee shit?” ~ Krishma Patel
“Bitch, I don’t even know why you were hired for this job.” ~ Parker Todd