Do I have to give your things back?

Growing up, I was a firm believer in the truth of “finders keepers, losers weepers”. I can’t even blame it on a selfish only child mentality, but maybe I was working on the sense of entitlement I would ultimately pick up on as a teenager and adult. Eventually I learned the important rule that possession is 9/10th of the law so of course I chose to recite that when my friends and family wanted their things back.

Now that I’m old and moving on from people and places, I’m forced to tackle the very  present question of what the acceptable time is to return items to people after I have “borrowed” them for an extended amount of time like I typically do.

If we’re being honest, I struggle just to return my roommate’s clothes that somehow find their way into my room, on my body, and then on the floor of my closet until she has to storm in and steal them back. There are borrowed Tupperware containers that I have since forgotten the owner of, a few stray pieces of jewelry, and my sister recently found a pair of scissors that had the name of a girl we went to high school with scribbled on that I must have run off with at some point. The point is I suck at giving things back.

But really, when does it become irrelevant or unnecessary to return these items? Do we really think Brooke is missing her tiny pair of pink scissors that she probably hasn’t thought about in five years? Wouldn’t it just be weird if she walked to the mailbox one day and they were sitting inside? Chances are she has many bigger and better pairs at this point so it would really just be a strange thing for her to find. I know people have these things called morals and regardless of the time that goes by, they still probably feel guilt start to creep in and be compelled to return things, but that’s just not me.

I have decided the answer to this question is if they can live without it, they don’t need it back. Set of tools borrowed to fix something broken? Not getting it back until they need it. Favorite dress they’ve only worn one time? Mine until they feel empty without it and ask for it back. I know this puts a lot more responsibility on the people things are borrowed from, but why should they get out of this so easy? Just because they’re nice enough to let you borrow things, doesn’t mean they don’t have to put in any work and they should hold you accountable when their items are involved.


So it’s settled. The appropriate time frame to give things back to people after you have borrowed them is whenever they have hounded you enough and tracked you down in order to get it back. I also realize no one will be letting me use their things from now on…

What Would Abraham Lincoln Do?

There have been many occasions in recent times that I would assume would lead religious people to ask, “What would Jesus do?” but as I am not very religious  I’ve had to find another person to take up the mantel. That person is Abraham Lincoln.

As both the issuer of the emancipation proclamation, and an avid vampire hunter, I believe that there is no problem too big for him to tackle. Slavery? Check. Civil Rights? He knows what to do. Stopping vampires dead in their tracks? Done. Bathroom Bills? Abraham Lincoln is your man. He knows the world has bigger problems to handle, but he would take the time to solve this one too. I couldn’t imagine a person who would try to free the slaves but wouldn’t care about transgender rights. As a person who often asks myself, “What would Abe do?” I have decided to let the world know what exactly what Abe would do in our shoes. (I am most assuredly qualified to do this. I read the Wikipedia article on him, and also the first 3 pages of his biography.)

Abraham Lincoln would publish executive orders. An excerpt from the bowel emancipation proclamation: “My fellow Americans, all people should be treated equally and with the respect that their position in life merits. Use whatever bathroom you want. I don’t really care. Find something else to fight about.”

Out of the mouth of Abe. What solid words of wisdom.

Big Foot, Bigger ____?

We try our best to tackle the important questions of life here on the blog, but I think I’m ready to tackle one of the most important ones. BIG FOOT. Does he exist? (You probably thought this post was going to be about penises. Jokes on you.) Is Big Foot always a boy? What does this woodland creature do for fun, or on the weekends? Does it have a hobby? These are the type of questions that have plagued me for so many years and consumed a huge part of my thoughts. So I sat, and I pondered, and now I think I have some answers.

I came up with one overarching theory that manages to answer all of my questions. BIG FOOT is actually SANTA CLAUS. Think about it. If I was the jolly old man in red, you can bet your Christmas themed britches that I would need some time off. I can only be jolly for a certain amount of time, and that time expires the second the plastic wrappers get picked up off the floor from all the gifts on Christmas morning. So what does St. Nick do to take a break from those pesky elves? He strips off his clothes, lets his hair grow long, and enjoys some time off grid in the American wilderness. I’ve always imagined Santa Claus as a rugged outdoors man anyways.

Does he exist? Absolutely, how else would all those presents end up under your tree on Christmas morning. Is BF always a boy? Probably, history is pretty sexist when it comes to folklore. Hobby? He is probably a lumberjack. Someone has to chop all the wood for the toys and the elves are a little too small to be effective. Biggest Question: If he has big feet does that mean he has a big, as Donald Trump would say, “tower?” I think this is one question that the world might never know the answer to, but from research, Santa Claus is hung.