“Climbed a mountain and I turned around.”
First, I should warn you that I am not a “fashionista.” My everyday outfit is jeans and a t-shirt because that is just how I live my life. I have up to this point thought jeans to be the most worthy clothing item to put on my body. They look classy, they last forever, and I can wear them to work. Jeans are winners.
I am here to inform you that I have been living a lie. Overalls. Overalls are the real victors of the denim party. Want to know why? They keep your pants from falling down without any assistance from those hip squeezers formerly known as belts. Belts are the devil, and most days I don’t even grant them a glance even though I know that I am one good pantsing away from regretting my entire existence without them. Overalls, however, have a built in way to prevent gravity from getting what it wants. They give your waist the breathing room that it needs, and they free up your hands from constantly having to pull your pants up.
If there were a presidential race for denim president, jeans would be the Donald Trump. They know what they’re about (winning), and they will tell you anything to get to the top. They want your vote but they also think that they are the only real contenders in the election. Their head is too big to be able to see the real front runner racing in behind them. Overalls are obviously the Bernie Sanders. They have a solid plan to fix the real problems in America (saggy pants), but they are also a little outdated and used for ridiculous undignified things so most people just pass them by without giving them a second look.
Overalls should win the denim election, but they probably never will. This leads me to the real question I want to tackle today. Are overalls socially acceptable for daily use?
The answer is yes. Always. Forever. How could something so comfortable, and so handy not be accepted into society? Overalls work for your money. Jeans expect you to hire someone else to help them get the job done. Overalls should be America’s one-stop-shop for all our pant needs. I think if we, as a society, have accepted the fact that people will wear pajamas and slippers into Walmart, then we should also open our heart and let in what really should have been there all along. Overalls.
We’ve noticed that there has been much commotion about an article surfaced recently regarding a woman and her poop. If you haven’t seen the story yet, please check it out and consider all the ways you do not want this to be you in life.
Everybody poops. Sure, its the title to a potty training child’s book, but it is also just a fact of life, people. If you find yourself contemplating what you would have done in her situation, have no fear. We’re hear to inform you of the 4 better places to put your poop. (That really should be all you need)
- Leave it in the freaking toilet.
Get it together, people. It is poop. It is natural. It is a fact of life that regardless of what rando you’re making out with, chances are they have pooped some time in that day (hopefully. if not, they have bigger problems than some cute boy finding it in a toilet later). Leave it there and embrace the fact that the toilet is where it belongs. You have just done the guy a favor by leaving a surprise inside and informed him that something is wrong with the toilet and should be fixed.
2. Put it down the sink.
I hate that we’re even having to discuss an alternative to leaving it in the toilet, but obviously this discussion in necessary. The next bright idea is to pick up that sucker just as purse poop lady did, turn on the faucet, and watch it dissolve into the place where he spits his toothpaste every morning. I imagine this is not for those who have a weak stomach.
3. The trash can.
If you’ve made it this far and you’re still considering options, desperation has won. Wrap that sucker up and bury it in the trash can. Chances are there are already some questionable items it will then keep company. Your poop will fit right in. Find the nearest cologne, body wash, after shave, or hand soap and sprinkle a little bit of that inside just in case the night lasts a little longer than you initially anticipated and you don’t want him wondering where the smell is coming from. Cover it with more toilet paper and you’re good to go.
4. Hide it in the toilet tank.
If you’ve gotten to this point, the idea of wrapping it up and placing it in your purse is probably not far off, but this is still a better solution. Gently remove the lid to the toilet tank and let the sucker float in whatever water has recently filled it. No one consistently takes off the toilet tank lid and no one will be the wiser after it is placed inside. Sure, the water to his toilet may start to take on a strange brown color, but that seems to be the least of his worries. You’ll be long gone before it is ever considered. Place the lid back on and walk back out to the living room with confidence because hey, at least there is no poop in your purse.
There you have it folks. You will never have to be unsure of what to do with your unflushable feces again.
“I took my love and I took it down.”
8/31/1949 -One of America’s greatest actors entered the world as Richard Gere.
8/31/2012 -The US Fish and Wildlife announced the end of protections for wolves in most of Wyoming.
-The day Bluebell came back.
I truly believe my generation has known its share of heart breaks. We’ve seen boy bands break up, caught swine flu, watched the world rebuild after terror attacks, and still see discrimination and racism my grandparent’s and their parents were challenged with. These heartbreaks are things we will talk about for years to come. They’re the events we’ll tell our children about with pride in our voice as they see that we survived each and every one of them. Along with these heartbreaks, no one will forget the summer time sadness felt with the loss of Blue Bell. It was as if the one constant in our lives and all that we had ever known to be true was taken from us in an instant. The word Listeria was spread around like wildfire and rather than being scared of getting caught up in the flames, our distress was over what it meant we would have to do without. It was tough and although some thought we would never regain what was lost, our prayers were answered. You can bet your ass I was staked out at our nearby Kroger with the local tv news station just waiting to get my hands on what they had been missing for so long. As we walked through the store to the frozen section, we passed generations carrying their limit of 2 per person up to the register, all with a smile on their face. It was magical. I ate bluebell for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, and went back to buy more just to see that all the stores in our small town had sold out in 24 hours. Everyone had their mission to find their own gold lid tin.
Since this blog promises to pose questions big and small, I will go ahead and answer the one you’ve all been thinking. Yes, it was just as glorious as I had remembered and hoped it would be. From cookies and creme to Rocky Road and as my lips just tasted the flavor they had missed the most, my personal favorite Mint Chocolate Chip did not disappoint.
As for the bigger questions we strive to dive deeper into, I’m struck with the thought that maybe, just maybe something greater is happening here. Its like the saying goes, “You don’t know what’cha got ’til it’s gone.” Is that just a saying though? Or could it be the mantra of our beloved Bluebell? This is the most beautiful marketing scam if I’ve ever seen one. From a company plagued by Listeria to the most sought after item in a grocery store in a matter of months. They can’t even keep it on the shelves. This seems a little too convenient for America’s sweetheart of ice cream providers. Lets face it, the world was comfortable with Blue Bell. With a continuous stream of new flavors, it seemed to me that they were already reaching for business before this. I mean who really wants to eat Cotton Candy, Spiced Pumpkin Pecan, or Coconut Fudge ice cream anyway? They sure sound like cries of desperation to me. Why not cause a highly discussed uproar, take the products off the shelves, and make them see what they’ve been missing? They know we can only live off the highs of Haagen Dazs and Ben and Jerry’s for long before we come to our senses and crave our heart’s desires. As they slowly but surely introduce new (but old) flavors, we rush to the store to taste that sweet nostalgia and keep coming back for more.
Well played, Blue Bell. Well played.
Before you start asking any more questions, let me reassure you. Blue Bell definitely does “taste just like the good ole days”
Recently, I took a trip to the International UFO Research Center and Museum (long name, I know) in Roswell, New Mexico. I was blown away by the amount of pointless and misleading information gathered in one collection. There was so much information to sort through that I decided to do something about it. I reached out to the only credible source I knew, the President (of the United States). The letter is copied below for your own eyes.
Dear Mr. President Obama (and Michelle),
First off we would like to congratulate you on being the first black president, what an accomplishment. Recently, our group of friends took an educational journey from College Station, Texas (Gig ‘Em Ags!) to the small kitschy town of Roswell, New Mexico, and we have a few questions. First off, how dare you. We know you know, and now we feel we deserve the truth as well. We have spent many hours contemplating the existence of life outside of our small planet, and we have come to our own conclusions about what really happened in July, 1947. We are writing to you because we feel that you are the person most equipped and able to answer our questions so please read carefully.
The story told in the International UFO Museum & Research Center had a lot of holes, so we had no choice but to fill those holes with our own wild conjectures. We believe that there was a crash site discovered by Mack Brazel, and the crash site did hold debris and bodies. We also agree that the government was trying to hide something (because in most thriller novels and movies, that’s how it goes), but we DO NOT think that they were trying to hide the existence of alien life in Roswell. Although, we as a group do mostly believe that aliens exist, we do not believe that they crashed in Roswell.
Here is what we think happened:
We believe that the government of that time period, and especially the military officials located at Roswell Army Airfield were experimenting on children. They were testing the limits of the bodies of young children to see exactly what they could endure. The plane containing the children crashed on a local farm, and the government was forced to cover it up using the “weather balloon” story and the locals own guesses that it was actually a “flying saucer” crash.
Here is why we think it happened:
- This was the beginning of the space race time period (which is a sport (long story, will be covered in future letter)) a lot of research was focused on seeing if life could survive in space, but there were also those that wondered that if life could have survived in space, how we would build life and colonies on other planets. This would have led them to think that sending young children into space would be the best bet because they could live out the longest lives while on the new planet.
- This was also around the time period where people were ashamed of there children who were physically and mentally handicapped. This led to many of these children being put into the care of the state, and could have eventually led to them winding up in military hands.
The use of these children in such an experiment would have been ideal in this situation, because they were virtually expendable in the government’s hands.
How do we explain the alien bodies found at the sight? Well I’m glad you asked. The bodies found were those of extremely malnourished, and dehydrated children. Children in this state are hyper-cephalic, and would appear extraterrestrial. We think that the crash was a result of the government testing to see exactly how much the children’s bodies could endure because in outer space these children would have nothing and no one to help them.
Please respond to this letter as quickly as possible as it is extremely urgent that we receive this information and put our wearied minds at rest. It is spring break after all. Thank you for your time.