If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably day dreamed about getting your own little ball of fluff and drool since you were a small child. I’ve thought about it almost obsessively since I left home for college. I had a breed and a name picked out far in advance of me having the funds to even think about getting one. It finally happened though. I finally have my own pup, and I’m pretty happy, but there are plenty of days where I wish I still didn’t.
Getting a dog is a lot of what I imagine it’s like to have a perpetual two year old living with you. Most people are excited to see you coming because two year olds/dogs are cute and fun, but then you have to take it home with you and it just never leaves. They are always there. Even when you need to use the bathroom, you have to leave the door open because you need to be able to yell at them when you hear them breaking something. I can’t take a shower without my dog trying to bite me through the shower curtain. Silence is rare, and never a good sign. Even in the dead of night you will wake up to your dog licking itself, which is grossest sound, but at least if it’s doing that it isn’t tearing a hole in something else.
Owning a dog isn’t all cons. You will have a permanent reason to leave a party whenever you want (even if you don’t want to). You will always have someone to help you finish your leftovers (even when you were planning on eating them, you just sat them on the counter for one second). You will sometimes be forced to exercise, and you will sometimes have to force your furry friend to exercise. You will get to learn a lot about the digestive system of a dog and what will pass through it and what will come up (my dog once puked up 3 whole toys in one day. Not sure where they came from, but I know where they went). You will have a cute cuddle buddy (but one who does not appreciate or want your love).
If you felt like keeping your Tamagotchi alive was even the slightest bit of a challenge, probably don’t get a dog. They are a pretty big drain on your lifestyle. One night you will be living it up on the town, and then the next morning you will be cleaning some other living beings diarrhea out of your carpet at 6:30 in the morning. Dogs are great. They are fun, and cute, and provide a limitless supply of love (even if they show it with their teeth), but trust me when I tell you, you should not get a dog. At the very least, don’t get a dog until you have someone else in your life that you can guilt into cleaning up the poop smashed into your carpet.
I have been doing a lot of big kid things recently. I graduated from college, got a full time job and a dog, I even moved into my own apartment and set up the utilities all by myself. Call me naive but I for sure thought I would at least get some kind of certificate for these brave acts, or maybe the government would deposit a “congratulations you’re an adult!” lump sum into my bank account that they had been withholding from my paychecks until I got a real job. Spoiler alert if you haven’t reached this phase of your life yet BECAUSE THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN. (Although DT you should look into that bank account thing)
If you’ve been spending all your time waiting at the mail box for the official letter that tells you that play time is over and you’re an adult now, don’t hold your breath. You don’t get a letter either. The universe sends other subtle ways of knowing. Let me clue you in to a few of them. Did you wake up one morning and have an earth shattering realization that you couldn’t have beer and French fries for every meal? Welcome to Adulthood. Maybe you just clicked “enroll” on your own health insurance plan? Congratulations You Made It. Did you just have a conversation with your doctor where you never had to say, “hang on let me call my mom and ask.”? Yep. You’re a grown up.
All of these things happened to me, but they weren’t what really clued me in (although I probably should have seen it coming with all of those things happening.) You know what did? I found a hair on my chin that was both longer and darker than any of my chin hairs have permission to be. I was instantly reminded of all the times my grandmother ask me to pluck her chin hairs because she couldn’t see them. Oh young me! If only you had really prepared yourself then, this wouldn’t be such a rude awakening. Just so you know, I plucked the hair, but what an abrupt arrival at the adulthood station. The hair will grow back and I will continue to pull it out until one day I forget, or it becomes surrounded by so many of it’s brethren that one hair is no longer that big of a deal.
I think chin hairs are like the secret sign that you can’t escape. They are like the prison tats of the outside world. Once you have one, everyone knows. You can’t use the excuse of “Oh, I’m just a kid, I didn’t know rent was due EVERY month. Please forgive me, I’m new at this.” CHIN HAIRS DON’T LET YOU LIVE THAT LIE. Pay attention to the universe’s signs, and get laser hair removal before it’s too late.
In this episode we tackle hard hitting topics like (1) establishing a definitive ranking of the best black actors, (2) where your pee belongs, (3) how uber drivers should really treat their guests and (4) what goes on inside a train. We also take a “gotcha” journalism approach to Ivanka Trump’s new book.
Special Guest Questioner: Lauren Boehm
I’m sure there are many different paths to the end of life as we know it. Maybe an asteroid hits and pushes us too close to the sun. Maybe someone will finally recreate Jurassic Park, and the dinosaurs will eat us all. Maybe Trump will finally fulfill all of CNN’s nightmares. There is no way to tell what might actually take us down. It could be anything. It could come from anywhere, but I have one pretty concrete theory of my own, and it all starts with one telltale sign.
CHICK-FIL-A WILL RUN OUT OF CHICK-FIL-A SAUCE.
Hear me out. I’ve done a fair amount of research (0 research), and I think that this event will start an unstoppable chain reaction that can destroy the world.
First, Chick-fil-A will run out of their delicious, sweet and savory sauce. I will be forced to take my business elsewhere, as I’m sure others will as well. Chick-fil-A will rapidly lose popularity. Chicken farmers will have millions of of chickens that don’t get bought/eaten (vegans will rejoice). Those chickens will just get to grow old and die
Then, burger joints will become all the rage again. Chicken farmers will turn to beef. The cows will drink too much water and eat too much grass. They will probably be extra gassy cows. This extra gas will help overwhelm the already overwhelming amount of green house gas emissions. Global warming will then be worse than ever before causing global extreme weather events. We will be slowly killed by cow farts.
I don’t know if we can stop this chain of events. I know we can’t stop global warming, but I can tell you the small part I’m playing that will most certainly help. I’m stocking up on Chick-fil-A sauce now before its too late. Some people might want to call it stealing when you take more sauce than you actually need, but Chick-fil-A is one of those good Christian restaurants that wants to believe the best in people. They will never suspect a thing. So, help me save the world. Eat more Chick(-fil-A)en.